Dear Diary,
Mood: Apathetic
My life is spiraling downward. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concerts. It sucks because they play some of my favorite songs, like "stab my heart because I love you" and "rip apart your soul" and "stabby rip stab stab". And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thingy like that guy from that band can do....some days.
JUST KIDDING.
NOTE: SINCE SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO READ PAST THE FIRST PAGE, THIS NOTE HAS LITTLE TO DO WITH MY PERSONAL LIFE OR PAST TROUBLES AND MOSTLY TO DO WITH A LOT OF YOU LACKING COMMON SENSE, THUS DON'T READ ONE PARAGRAPH AND REFUSE TO READ THE REST. THE PERSONAL PARTS WERE REQUIRED FOR RELEVENCE BUT THIS IS NOT THE MAIN MESSAGE OF MY POST. I HAVE TO SOUND LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE ILLITERATE DUMBFUCKS
Alright, enough of the lame internet humor. Now, I'd like to firsthand say that I'm not trying to make generalizations or target everyone explicitly in this post. You will probably know who you are when I refer to you, and some I refer to have not been tagged in this note. This does not consist of stupid high school drama, crushes, 'popularity' or anything of the sort; I can assure all of you. Instead, this is going to be nothing but pure rhetoric straight from my half assed keyboard.
Some of you I tagged just to get you to read this, and you're not really relevant to this post, but it should provide a good reading, especially when the comments start flowing if they ever do. Some of you I don't really know, and have no opinion of. Some I don't know, and already feel disgusted by. Some I have talked to, and feel okay with, and some I am rather distasteful towards for well established reasons. Again, this will all become clear soon.
It's time for a rant.. No, this isn't going to be some whiny blog full of emotional ramblings from some pathetic rich 'emo kid', but a time to tell the truth like it is. The truth is that I'm very disappointed in a lot of you. Why? For many reasons.
You see, I'll try to keep this part short, though it is necessary to give accurate information.
My earlier life was never very good at all. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and ended up with serious depression for quite a long time. Now, depression sucks, there's no doubt about it. However, it sucks a lot more when you're plagued with imbeciles who pretend to give a shit about you just to get rid of you and make themselves feel better. You see, depression occurs not because someone is 'fucked up', but because their security bubble i.e. 'innocence' has been lost, and they plunge into a conundrum upon realizing that they're alone and all that they had previously ‘worked’ for were completely worthless. Keep in mind guys, when everything comes down, nobody's going to be there for you, unless things change. It won't happen to all of you, but it'll happen to some, just like it happened to me. There are systems of 'intervention' which really just return someone to mindless production and other nonsense, but that just drags problems out for a long, long time.
However, I finally did conquer my depression, and became extremely confident in myself. This was after I did try to confide in a certain person when I first came here who knows who he is, who blew me off and pretended that he cared to save some face. I’d rather be told the truth than wallow in some pathetic false hope, which fortunately I have learned to avoid by now. You know, it’s really pathetic, but also forgivable because I know that this ‘passive reluctance’ is usually a subconscious reaction rather than an attempt to hurt someone. People are used to talking about certain things, and don’t want to ‘hurt’ someone instinctively EVEN if they are told to tell the truth, so they naturally become avoidant regardless of what they say. The thing is, you’re still responsible for your actions, even if they come from your subconscious.
So let’s skip to the end of junior year. I finally awakened from my depression, and gained quite a lot of confidence. Despite, this, my social moves were half assed because I did not actually care about small talk type bullshit, though I did not realize such at the time. By the beginning of senior year, I did realize this, and I became very frustrated. Originally, I made a mistake by being much too direct about the way I felt in life to a certain person (nothing of the romantic sort). I learned from this mistake, and watered things down a bit. You see, I did not have to do anything, but being starved for meaningful conversation makes one a bit frustrated to say the least. I have had quite a lack of emotional connections in my life, and despite all the past failures, I tried. I knew that false hope would come flowing in, so I devised a system. I would message assorted people I knew a bit, and try to talk to them about something more meaningful, and I would listen to their side of the story too. After this, I would message them several times. I would also observe them in school. If after one week they ceased to message me, and distance formed in school, I would abandon them. It turned out to work quite well.
Guess what the results were?
Pure failure.
I first offered for these individuals to tell me if they felt uncomfortable or could not handle what I was saying (I’ll admit that some of it was quite heavy). They agreed. Not one of them told me that they could not deal with it. What was disturbing was that instead of just admitting that they could not deal with it, or asking me to tone it down so they could try to absorb it, they dragged it out. I felt a little false hope, but shrugged it off because I knew it was bullshit. They pretended to give a fuck, but distanced themselves and waffled on the issue. All it took was a fucking ‘stop’.
I did have minor success with some others, who did also fail to put in a lot of effort but at least tried some.
That’s a noble step. I was also disappointed to find that even the most ‘intelligent’ in our school would rather sit on their asses and do schoolwork and go with the status quo than talk about anything with substance, and had the same distancing effect. It did not seem to matter what ‘group’ the person I told some of this material to was in; whether he or she be a geek, jock, prep, or whoever. In the end, geeks are just less social versions of the jocks that like a lot of video games, are much shyer, and maybe slightly nicer at times but nothing really special. That’s where many get things wrong. As a whole, all groups are more or less the same; they just vary in outside manifestations. I did learn something from this experience, however. It made my bullshit detector all that much sharper and showed me the direct relevance of subconscious reactions. I knew that the chances of success were horrible but I just had to try. It couldn’t hurt that much.
So, enough about my life, really. It was necessary to give this posting some kind of relevance. I will include a ‘FAQ’ to answer any stupid questions (though feel free to comment intelligently) and a few more explanations at the end, but I wish to get to my main point of this rant.
The point is that a lot of you need to think intelligently in a critical way, and to actually do it rather than say you do, even if it is inconvenient. This does not mean that you have to be some kind of bookworm, rather the opposite; those kinds of types actually tend to annoy me. Why is it not convenient, you ask? Isn’t it obvious? I don’t mean to be condescending, but that’s the way our world works: convenience, shortsightedness, and ignoring real issues! It’s much, much easier to just shut up for the most part and let things happen because it is easy and materially rewarding to do so. Well, not for everyone, but for some. How much effort does it actually take an average or above average person to ‘succeed’ in this world? You go through a cookie cutter education, and get a repetitive job. Society pats you on the back by giving you a bunch of crap and distracting you from any real meaning in life. Real meaning is subjective sure, but I’ll get to that in a moment; however, it certainly does not include mindless pursuit of wealth and materials. It doesn’t have to mean driving your car to the junk yard either, that’s a black and white/extremist interpretation of this idea.
What I see as the main reason why most people do not take action is because there is no immediate material reward following it, though even long-term material rewards would be secondary to the main benefits. Much of activism today is simply to achieve a short term goal of materialistic value, not for any genuine common purpose or achievement. We fight over achieving basically the same thing, and are lost in a endless whirlwind of distractions, false messages, and blind compliance. Keep this in mind: the most intelligent are often the most critical. Today’s world is quite flawed and downright disgusting in many ways (though from a materialistic perspective, we are quite well off particularly in this location), as it favors blind obedience over any level of improvement or cause. Well, it does look quite fucked up if you use common sense and stop lying to yourself, at least. Let us give a few examples, shall we?
1. Society is becoming more and more sensationalist as the years go on. Look at our news.
2. Extreme fear mongering and restriction of freedom by the government. Such may not be tangible to your situation right now, but this does not mean that you should ignore it; even if it does not come to bite you in the ass later, it is having a negative impact upon many.
3. Orwellian style ‘disorder’ mongering in order to absolve society of its’ responsibility for the more recent ‘epidemic’ of mental disorders. “Oppositional Defiant Disorder”? Give me a fucking break. Anyone who stops to think about that for ten seconds, even the average Joe can smell that bullshit from ten miles away.
4. Schooling is becoming more and more cookie-cutter style with higher competition.
5. As I said above, the system rewards those who blindly comply with it rather than those who strive to improve it. If the system was not very flawed, it would reward those who sought to improve it because as a whole those at the top would have nothing to fear from such individuals.
An intelligent society honors the differences within people and while it encourages strength and survival it does not encourage blind stupidity and brutality. Nobody is suggesting that you all start becoming a bunch of “pussy-ass nerds” and read chemistry books all day; this is such a damn black and white view. By all means, play some sports, and fuck around some. But at least try to start thinking more. Don’t just cooperate because it’s easy and it gets you some cheap sex and money. Constantly seek higher thrills and interests and truly test the limits in every way possible. Life isn’t about buying bullshit that is spoon fed to you and going with the flow. All of these ‘social standards’, ‘hierarchies’, and other supposed standards of worth are worth nothing compared to inner fulfillment, understanding of the outside world, and exploration. No, this isn’t some new age shit. It’s real stuff that people can grasp with a bit of patience. Now, here’s why all of that garbage is irrelevant.
In our known universe, there are at around 10^22 stars. That is ten followed by twenty two zeroes, or ten sextillion. Let’s be extremely conservative and say that only one planet out of every billion has evolved life to our level or higher. This still means that there are ten trillion races that are at our level or beyond, and many more that have existed in the past. Even if you cut this to let’s say….500 billion, it’s still an unfathomable number; nearly 100 unique races for every person alive on this planet. If we viciously cut out 999/1000 of the races due to war, famine, and other issues so that only 1/1000 makes it to a galactic civilization level, that means that with our original estimate, only ten billion races have reached this level, each one of them millions of times more massive and complex than ours.
The level of this is so incomprehensible that it renders our materialistic existence meaningless. But this does not have to apply on an inner level and with a true aspect of testing the limits. Hope is out there, not within the margins of comfort zones and security bubbles. Of course, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be hopping on a starship to Orion any time soon, but that’s hardly what I am talking about. Test the boundaries, and even when you just chill out, regard things with a critical eye. There is absolutely no reason to stay in a bubble of ignorance when transcendence and personal understanding bring so much more of a feeling of accomplishment than materialism. Why else would so many rich people be so miserable? Society attempts to portray many shallow events as ‘deep’: “love” for teen relationships, and painting celebrity actions as the model for our world.
Does this give you a bit of perspective? On any materialistic scale, you’re completely unimportant, and your life is essentially worthless, and so am I. This does not mean that any of us are actually worthless, though. This is only on a shallow level; all these ‘rules’ and ‘social constructs’ today that many of you follow are also inherently worthless. Yes, I’m being harsh here, but not just whining. There is a good side to this, actually. So what, you ask, is true ‘value’? That is within you, but as I stated before, the basic concepts behind this are pushing the limits, improving humanity as a whole by getting to the root of our problems (materialism, and similar constructs) and actually contributing to a whole which requires knowledge of what actually happens in our outer world, and understanding oneself. You’re going to have to forfeit some material wealth and conveniences to do this well, but not necessarily all. It’s not so black and white as many would think, none of us have to live as hermits in the woods. But don’t be afraid to work towards change because you are ‘just a random guy’ or ‘afraid that you’ll look like a fag’. Our society rewards the mediocre and suppresses the strong, and it’s up to change this downward trend. In the end, we will all die, but we can make an impact or we can be known as the complacent generation who bought into that vapid graduation speech that talked of prosperity but only rewarded those who mindlessly toiled.
But…what about god? This is of course a touchy subject, no doubt. First, let me state that I do not believe in ‘god’, but I do believe in the possibility of ‘higher realities’ beyond our normal comprehension due to some theoretical physics. However, even if ‘god’ exists, such an entity has likely been simplified to the extreme by religion, has no direct bearing on our lives, and much less cares about our worship and praise. If such an omnipresent creator exists, it would likely desire us to take a transcendent path and take steps to understand our inner and outer words, no? If god exists, transcendence is the only path to become closer to it/him/her. Now, there are multiple paths within such an idea, but the previous statement was a general one. Don’t use god as a copout to be lazy, use him/her/it as a catalyst to motivate yourself to work towards a better tomorrow.
So, what can you do?
Talk, and write. There’s not much we can do now beyond exerting our pressure onto others through talking and writing. Critically analyze and desire to improve the normal activities you do, even if just a little. Expand your artistic/musical horizons as far as you can, and try to examine just how a lot of this ‘radio’ music is created and why it lacks real musical value. Do your best not to buy into fear mongering, understand reality better, and what is actually behind what happens (as well as reasons for the fear mongering/patriotic propaganda which is so common in our country today). Forward this post to as many others as possible, and encourage them to read it even if they do not comment. But whatever you do, do something. I have noticed that a lot of people have a negative view point of this society upon being talked to about what is very wrong, but are either too lazy or inconvenienced to speak up about it. It can be quite a challenge to survive in this world while trying to improve it and speak out against injustices, but it is one well worth fighting for because throughout history the path of transcendence has clearly been one above mindless obedience. Why else do we desire to explore and expand? Where has this gone? I don’t ask you to buy exactly into what I am saying but rather to think for yourselves, face the world with a critical eye, and attempt more meaningful conversation. Once enough of the population is more aggressive and desires true change, let the shift commence!
I guess this could be called a bit more than a rant, because it is something of a coherent attempt to persuade others into common sense. No, this does not mean following another person’s exact doctrine or beliefs, but it’s about examining the world around us with a critical eye and at least trying to do something. It’s about admitting when you’re wrong and improving, even if admitting that your life for some time has been more or less an illusion. I’ve been changing and improving for many years, and it’s only painful if you’re stuck with it alone. Many people only change when things are extremely problematic, but this makes the process so much more painful, or when they’re really old, and there is no time left. We’re often distracted until something hits us in the face or we’re at our end, which means that we’re either too upset or have no time to spread our newfound ideas. I’ve been lazy, but this is mostly due to frustration/isolation and I at least can own up for my mistakes.
Now, for the frequently asked questions/presumptuous statements section:
1. S: You’re fucking arrogant.
A: While I may come off arrogant to some, you must understand that learning to be a ‘better’ or ‘more developed’ person is something that comes with a lot of effort and practice. I am not naturally a better human being nor am I entitled to some special treatment by birthright, but you reap what you sow. I put in the effort, thus I am where I am today. I am not omnipotent and I take pride in knowing that there is a lot that I do not know, as such provides a challenge to understand it.
2. S: Ah, I see. You’re just trying to make people like you more.
A: Wrong. Much of what I have said during my time in school has done the very opposite, and I’ve known this. The fact is, I don’t care about if people ‘like’ me or not; in fact, much of what is in this rant/post that can be easily misinterpreted as a series of insults, and I am aware that this may very well make things worse.
3. S: At least people like me! Ha! Loser!
A: No, most of the time they do not. People don’t actually like each other most of the time because the quality of this ‘liking’ is strictly dependent on whether or not someone plays the social game or buys into a certain idea. This has nothing to do with actual friendship or interaction.
4. Q: So this whole ‘depth’ and ‘misjudgment’ thing is just an excuse for someone who is pathetic, has no life, and lacks social skills?
A: It can be for some. Usually, those who are just using it as an excuse (and thus are not much or not at all better than the average crowd) don’t tend to back it up with critical thought and reasoning to this level. However, one must also note that having social skills =/= using them. I’ll admit that I purposely have not used my social skills well at some times, but as an aggressive and confident person there’s no fucking doubt in my mind that I can be charismatic and political if I really need to.
5. Q: So what would you describe yourself as?
A: An individual. Here, I’ll elaborate. I tend to think in ways often beyond others after quite a lot of practice, and I am fully capable of acting like an older adult. I however find myself in many situations where mature behavior and discussion is unappreciated, thus I get bored. I am aggressive yet I also see value in being calm. I like to think a lot but I also enjoy high intensity activities and extreme exertion. I lack emotion but I can also be very kind and helpful to people in need. Lastly, I can be a huge jerk (especially with my humor) but I am generally not cruel unless someone really, really fucking deserves it. In general, I take a moderate viewpoint on most things; I tend not to condemn in a black and white way but rather through logic and multiple perspectives. I do not hate 100% of any one thing and I do not believe that even the most hopeless are completely hopeless.
6. Q: Most of that sounds contradictory. How could any one person express all of that at one moment?
A: In short, they can’t all be expressed at the exact same time, at least not outwardly. However, they can all be present within the span of a conversation or an average activity. It’s just very difficult for most to communicate with someone who goes considerably beyond your average typecast, but the rewards are generally greater since one who embodies many traits has a considerable amount to talk about.
7. Q: How can you expect a person to feel comfortable with someone who is so confusing and thinks so highly of themselves?
A: I don’t expect most to really bother, since a lot just want what’s in their comfort zones.
8: Q: Did you know that nobody likes a pessimist?
A: Yes, but the reality is that “Nobody likes a pessimist unless it is what they want to hear.” Period. People need to learn that reality may be a lot less pleasant than they realize, and that much of what they had thought was true may just be a blissful assumption. Reality is harsh, but too many a time the idea is to ignore problems because it’s easier.
9. S: Oh, I get it, you can’t just get laid!
A: Again, false; I’m only putting this in because there is no doubt in my mind that the question will be proposed a few times. I am very selective in whom I would consider my partner and though there are a few girls at our school I knew who fit the bill for looks they didn’t for much more. Flirting and bullshit talk shouldn’t be important in any kind of meaningful interaction.
10. S: You know, you can’t just start getting deep all of a sudden
A: Partially true. Interaction with a true desire to learn and develop can happen almost immediately, but emotional attachment in any mature way takes times to develop. I’m very independent and dislike dependency and/or desperation greatly, as it is immature, more often than not destroys relationships, and has caused problems for me in the past.
11. S: Maybe you should compromise too!
A: I actually have. I don’t mean to be condescending here, but although I did go too strong at first once, I did tone down what I spoke of later and offered for others to withdraw if they weren’t interested or were uncomfortable. Again, this is more than a 50-50 compromise and is more than reasonable on my part.
12. A: You’ve acted immaturely before, why is this?
Q: I partially went over this before, but mostly because of boredom/immature setting/nothing to lose. I will generally try to avoid unnecessary conflict with most but the aggressively stupid individuals who desperately try to curry favor with others tend to be my targets because they represent a flagship of stupidity.
13. Q: If nobody really seems to care, why bother? Stay on your own. Don’t waste your time.
A: I explained this before somewhat, but it’s impossible for any one person to have a significant impact even if they are massively influential because of how massive our society is and the way it is structured in a huge tangled web. Furthermore, it’s much easier to inflict change if there is a reasonable following behind a cause. It’s also important to note that I do often do that but I hate it because I am stuck at a crossroads between staying alone because most interaction available is annoying chit chat and being more social but having to deal with that kind of bullshit all the time.
14. Q: In my terms, what would this be like?
A: Take an athletic, social person, and suddenly change their perspective to something far more vast than that of the average individual. Then let the sparks fly as they try to find meaning and get more and more irritated and frustrated and are forced to sit at home to avoid annoyance yet at a heavy price. Similar to the description I just gave, but much more drawn out with a less pleasant history.
15. S: You seem as though you think you have people all figured out, it’s quite scary.
A: While I am not omniscient and thus do not know everything about people, I have carefully observed to quite a degree and also helped many people in serious, serious situations almost as a vigilante psychologist. Therefore, I can tell a considerable amount more than the average person about another just by observing them. I’ve had my share of shitty emotional intelligence and perception, believe me, but with practice, I got a lot better, in fact quite good. If you practice, you’ll get better at this just like with anything else though this is quite a bit more complicated.
About the second statement made, I believe that this is the key. Even if you are relatively harmless (unless, of course, someone tries deliberately to damage you in a serious way), many are afraid of what could hurt them, not what would.
16. S: Are you trying to convince us to listen to your bullshit music?
A: It’s funny how so many idiots assume that all I listen to is death metal based on some crap last year. It’s true that I like some but most of what I like is symphonic/melodic death metal (which does indeed exist), and it’s not even my main genre anymore. I listen to a lot of music that is not much ‘heavier’ or ‘darker’ than music on the radio but is much higher quality and much more original. As I have said before, I have 29,000 songs on my computer (literally) and thus one cannot accurately judge my music taste without having listened to a significant portion of that. Many types have value to me, both depressive and upbeat.
17. Q: If you are so intelligent, why didn’t you write this like a scholar?
A: Long story short, I don’t care about using complex vocabulary aside from in poetry or when writing a novel.
18. Q: Are you an anarchist?
A: Nah, anarchism is generally quite stupid and is unfeasible in modern society.
19. Q: Are you a communist?
A: Not really, though capitalism has gone too far.
20. S: You support marijuana legalization. You’re a pothead.
A: I have never smoked a joint in my life, and I have only gotten smashed once. I have nothing against Marijuana and by my own research find it to be comparatively safe to alcohol and tobacco, but it is not on my priority list. However, I am strictly anti-bullshit and believe that this ‘war-on-drugs’ only spurs crime along with the philosophy that IF YOU WANT TO PUT IT IN YOUR BODY THAT’S YOUR FUCKING RIGHT AND YOURS ALONE. That’s as long as you don’t operate a vehicle or heavy machinery or do something dangerous, of course. Driving high is much less dangerous than driving drunk, by the way.
. 21. S: Haha, why would I read your bullshit? Nobody cares.
A: Obviously, if you’re here, you have read something. I’m aware that few people will probably really care but it’s worth a try. It didn’t take me forever to write this. BY THE WAY I know that there’s a good chance that nobody will read this seriously, but again I don’t care and I think it’s worth a try.
All in all, I don’t think that most of you are bad people, even those who have shortchanged me, acted poorly, and sometimes flat out lied. Most of you are not dumb either, but you could put your intelligence and energy to much better uses than just doing what is easy. I’m not trying to be mean here, but I am be honest and very harsh—I expect better than this. We’re all going to be dead likely before 2100 so we’d best make use of the time we have and actually change things for the better. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of lounging here and there but it should not be a staple activity and significant critical thought needs to be applied to every day life if we do not with future generations to be more ignorant, less sensible, and more akin to lifeless machines. It won't happen all of a sudden like some I. robot revolt but it will likely happen slowly.
Do I advocate pure insanity and extreme intensity? No. Do I advocate pure, mundane stupidity? No.
Roar down the highway at 140 mph when getting blown but only at night when there’s nobody around from a girl you truly feel connected to and after you’ve gradually practiced driving that fast. (no, I don’t care if this offends you)
Jump off the edge of a cliff but open your parachute at the last minute, to get that FUCKING RUSH
Make up some wild but original story with some others at a party and hook up to write it.
Drink while raving to the most insane, progressive aggro-industrial music and then throw yourself next to the air conditioner
Observe carefully how things are done in an office setting and watch just how inefficient and laggy a lot tends to be due to overspecialization and hyper-legalism.
YOU GET THE IDEA.
It doesn’t have to be mundane to be intellectual or original! Stand against the grain!
www.corrupt.org/data/vision
An online friend of mine shared that with me; it is a great page/essay that sums up a lot of my points. I did not take my ideas from there, but I find it to be good reading, even if I do not agree with every last point it makes. It’s called being open minded. Rather than spewing insults if you have further questions ask them respectfully, and if you are not sure whether or not you apply to this rant/attempt to instill common sense (or at least do not to the level I explained) please contact me rather than getting defensive and upset.
Contact me via AIM/EMAIL/MESSAGE if you have any questions; I’ll be reasonable if you are. If you’re just going to lie to curry favor honestly, don’t bother trying to be ‘interested’. I can see through it; if you want to be genuine for once, then by all means, go ahead. Don’t slaughter me if my syntax is off because I was lazy with writing this.
Please remember to forward this to as many people from our school (and possibly beyond) as possible. You don’t have to care but maybe someone else will.
EL FIN
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